The Restoration Widow

My wife and I made date night plans in 1997. Dinner, a movie, and some time together. Halfway through dinner, guess what happened? My pager (yes, I said pager) went off with a 911, and I called my answering service. There was a water loss, and I needed to respond. I dropped my wife off at home, picked up the van, and went to work. This became the beginning of the family joke/not joke of my wife being the “Restoration Widow.” Of course it wasn’t a joke, but I did not get it. As I have already mentioned in a prior article, I am Gen X and a little slow on the uptake. I just assumed because I was the man, I needed to go out and make money, no matter the cost. Eight years later, this didn’t change. I found myself in New Orleans for weeks on end after Hurricane Katrina. This time, I hadn’t seen my wife for three months; the same was true for my son, who was five years old at the time. Then came the phone call. My wife asked me if our marriage was something that I wanted to pursue. It wasn’t just Katrina, but I had been living in Atlanta while my family was in the mountains of North Carolina. This was our norm for almost two years. I was gone for two weeks and then I would come home on the weekend and go back. It was no way to be a husband or father.

A Common Industry Problem

My story is not that unique. I have heard this repeated by men and women alike in this industry. People start a restoration business, and it becomes this all-encompassing thing. Married couples become like ships passing in the night, and husband and wife that once loved each other fiercely become nothing more than roommates.

Men, you are more than a paycheck and a sperm donation. You need to be present. When I say present, that doesn’t mean physically in the home with your favorite sixer of local IPAs and a Sunday full of football, but you need to sacrifice from time to time and spend time with your family. Ladies, you are more than the organizational force that holds everything together at work. Men and women alike in this industry fall prey to the allure of the next big job and ignore the time needed to build a successful family.

The Changes I Made

I will share a few of the things that worked for me. I am not saying you must do all of this, but hopefully these examples will inspire you:

• I quit golf – It is difficult to work 60–80-hour weeks then tell your family, “I am going to go out and play a round of golf with my friends when I have been a stranger in my own home.”
• I stopped watching baseball and football – Baseball is kind of boring, and I was watching it out of Gen X muscle memory. Football dominates the entire weekend. Thursday night, all day Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night. It seems unfair to take time for what I want and ignore what my wife and son need.
• Cook a meal or clean the kitchen. Find acts of service that help your spouse. Don’t just order out. There is something about serving the other that makes all the difference in the world. When your spouse knows you sacrificed and made an effort, it makes a difference (plus…I can really cook, if I do say so myself).
• Plan a real date and make sure the team knows you are not to be disturbed. Plan the date for your spouse (or boyfriend/girlfriend) with them in mind. If I ask my wife where she wants to eat, I get the whole, “I don’t care, what do you want?” conversation. If you set the itinerary with them in mind there is an appreciation that you cared enough to make it special.
• Find something to do together. For us it has been church, volunteering, and shopping for our grandchild. If you can find activities that you can do together, there are moments where you can enjoy intimacy with each other. 
• When she comes to me with a problem, I will often ask, “Are you looking for a solution or someone to listen?” This lets her know that I am here for whatever she needs, but I need to know what she wants so I do not assume her needs.

Notice I did not say that I quit watching the NBA. You do not have to give everything up you enjoy, but you should see if you can incorporate your family in these activities. I watched all of WrestleMania 42 a couple weeks ago (I am 50, I watch wrestling, and I am sure there is a help group you are going to ask me to join…I will not attend those meetings, HAHA!) with nary a peep from my wife, because I do not let things dominate our time together otherwise.

 
The Changes My Wife Made

Because relationships are a two-way street, my wife changed the way she expected me to act. My wife came from a background where her father was home every night, and the family never talked. If there were any disagreements between my wife and me, she felt like it was an indictment on our relationship. To change those beliefs, she had to change her behavior.   Some of her changes were:

• No more nagging. She learned that if she wanted me to do something, she needed to address me as her husband and not her child. Wives, if you want to turn off your spouse to any interaction, make sure you nag them. Ladies, if you are having a difficult time with your spouse, it is best to try another tactic, but becoming combative is a surefire way to damage your relationship.
• More conversation, less assumption. My wife would have this tendency to react to something I was trying to tell her before I got to how I resolved the problem. I hated it when she did this because while I need her, I don’t need her to do everything. Now she will listen and ask questions before assuming the situation. I appreciate the sacrifice on her part, as her nature is to problem solve…everything!
• We have very open and candid conversations about our finances. 56% of divorced couples have at least one spouse that reported discussing financial problems. My wife would complain about what we didn’t have, and once we started making good money, she acted the same way. It is easy to get caught up in the poverty mindset of what you do not have, but learning to operate from an abundance mindset is how families can begin to build wealth.

What Matters Most

Ultimately, the thing that should outlive all our businesses is our health. Physical, mental, and family health will provide us with greater returns than another carpet cleaning job or water loss. Creating the balance to achieve the life that each of you deserve is more fulfilling than “dying with the most toys.” A blessed life has more to do with why we live our lives than it does with what we do during the time we are at work. As I get older and I look back, I want to remember the time spent with my family more than the dozens of CAT events and hundreds of large losses I have worked. The jobs are cool and fun, and I plan to do many more, but the time with my wife fulfills me more than a 5000-CFM desiccant running with a 175-KW generator ever could.